Billie Luggins is a young (ish), attractive (so she claims), witty
(yet to be proven) and open-minded extra-terrestrial believer (UFO
nut). She has joined every club, read every book, seen every film and
bought every T-shirt. She is the chairwoman of the regional UFO
society and regularly does her bit by ringing up her local village
policeman, Sergeant Stubbs, (who she fondly refers to as 'arsehole')
and reporting strange phenomena.
She also likes eating flakey chocolate in the bath with nothing on
(her, not the bath) and her cute, white, fluffy kitten named
Schwarzenegger. And she doesn't drink. (Yet.) Her dislikes include
(amongst others) ducks, traffic wardens and uninvited guests.
Currently awaiting prosecution by one of the aforementioned guests,
Billie stands firmly by her statement given to the press after the
'accident' that 'Double Glazing Salemen should be shot at birth,
anyway' and has erected a sign at the gates of her farm stating that
'trespassers will be shot first and questioned later' to support this
Billie is not generally a bad tempered person. Her relationship with
Sergeant Ted 'Indy' Potts however, does bring out the worst in her.
It's not that she doesn't like the man, it's just that he has this
nasty habit of dropping her in it just because he means well. This
has led to many confrontations between the two, with Billie usually
getting the upper hand.
Sergeant Ted Potts, is an RAF radar officer and part time
schitzophrenic. He likes to keep this a secret but the simple fact
that he prefers to be known as 'Indy' or, depending how the mood takes
him, Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, sort of gives
him away. He is only involved in the up and coming mess, simply
because he tried to lasso a moving UFO and promptly got himself
abducted - which, in all honesty, was a rather silly thing to do. The
abductor in question, is the UFO's computer, called Shipp.
SHIPP stands for Super Hypergalactic Interdimensional Psuedo
Personality (or, if you listened to Zork, Space -fareing Hell
Involving Psychotic Persona). Shipp's likes include spatial relocation
when no-one is ready, picking up colouful human metaphors - and Pink
Floyd. Shipp has monitored Earth's radio waves for decades, in his
millenial existance he has heard all sorts of sounds, from the patient
beep- beep-beep of distant pulsars, to the deafening white noise which
erupts from Jupiter. Millions of songs from sentient life forms
across the cosmos are stored in his data banks. And out of all those
myriad different sounds that he has recorded, analysed and stored,
only one gets his foot tapping - metaphorically speaking, of course -
he has the intellect the size of an entire star system and in his
considered opinion... Pink Floyd are really cool.
Shipp's dislikes include crash-landing on cannibalistic planets,
plummetting out of control through dimly lit wormholes and Sergeant
Potts' impersonation of Captain Kirk - but never mind, 'he meant well...'
Unlike Torg and Zork (his constantly-bickering crew), Shipp
finds the human race very amusing. This is because they are not only
the most dangerous race in the entire universe as he knows it, but are
also the most stupid - why else would an entire race possibly believe
they once descended from hairy, undomesticated, flea-ridden, monkies?
Zork, is a green, 3ft 2 inch alien from Bootes and is fed up with
having to explain to humans that Bootes is a constellation and not a
chemists. And he doesn't think much of the English weather, either.
He is very wary of humans. The terrifying tales which float back to
the Safe Space bar (Bobo's Byte & Blitzed - known to the locals as The
B&B) of what happens to aliens who get caught, are lodged firmly in
his mind - or at least, where his mind ought to be. With all he has
seen and heard of humans, he doesn't think they're a very friendly
bunch and firmly believes that the creation of Mankind was a major
cock-up that no-one's owned up to yet. And rightly so. For who would
be so stupid as to raise their hands to that one, eh?
Zork has been sent to the Earth along with his colleague in crime,
Torg, who is also a green, 3ft 2 inch alien, although more sensible
(boring). Their seemingly simple task is to hand over an eviction
order for every single human on the planet's surface to the nearest
one they can find and flee. However, it all goes terribly wrong when
they stumble upon Billie Luggins...
All Billie asks out of life is to see a UFO for herself and to be the
first to provide solid evidence that they exist. When a UFO actually
parks in her back field - complete with two, small, bickering aliens -
she is over the moon. But when Zork tells her that the human race are
trespassing on an intergalactic zoo for endangered species and that
she has been chosen to serve Mankind with the eviction order, Billie
is not impressed. It isn't exactly the sort of evidence she had in
Naturally wanting proof of all this (and to disperse the terrifying
thought that Jeremy Beadle might be hiding in her barn) Billie heads
for the stars with Torg and Zork - and, eventually, Flight Sergeant
Ted 'Indy' Potts - to search for the Watwazzat's, the elusive species
who supposedly created Mankind.
While Torg and Zork are away attending business, Potts' decides to
play at being a well known starship captain. The ship plummetts out of
control through a dimly-lit wormhole and crashes on an unknown planet
in another dimension. Fortunately for him - or not, as it turns out -
it just happens to be the planet of Phkarwee, the home of the
After a close shave with some bungee jumping cannibal warriors and
various other horrors, Billie is forced to accept the truth - the
human race was indeed a cock-up.
Despite Billie's protests, Torg goes ahead with stage two of their
task - to ask the chief of the Watwazzat Tribe, Pt'roleum, to take the
humans back before they nuke themselves and the planet into oblivion,
taking their endangered species with them. Luckily for the human race,
Pt'roleum is so shocked and horrified at the suggestion that he
stubbornly refuses and promptly runs away, only to meet with an
Things get ultimately worse when, needing to leave the planet in a
hurry, Shipp informs Torg and Zork that he's run out of fuel for the
ride home and needs a jump start. Stuck and desparate (and to hell
with the consequences) the aliens jump start the ship with the aid of
a battered, flourescent green spaceship with pink 'go faster' stripes
down the side which they had pinched earlier. With Billie and Potts
in tow, Torg and Zork return home to Safe Space to inform Dexit
D'fejoozabt (their boss and owner of the Earth) of the Watwazzat's
refusal. Humans aren't allowed in Safe Space and so Billie and Potts
are told to stay in the ship and keep out of sight - if they are
found, the aliens immortality could be seriously shortened.
While docked at the spaceport, Billie and Potts are, of course, found
by security. They are taken to the Commissioner of Defence, Clwyrm
Throttit, who promptly throws them in a confinement room for his own
safety. When Dexit hears about this, he is none too impressed, but
spotting a chance to serve his eviction and to save his zoo (and his
profits), he subsequently arranges the trial at the Intergalactic High
Court of Safe Space, with Billie standing in the docks on behalf of
Determined not to be beaten, Billie undertakes the awkward, not to
mention bizzare task of trying to convince a misanthropic otter - who
unfortunately happens to be the judge - that humans are in fact worthy
of staying on the Earth - despite what they might have done to it.
After all, it wasn't their fault they were dumped on a solitary planet
in the most desolate, murkiest regions of space after a genetic
experiment went wrong, was it?
And besides, it wasn't as if they'd errected any KEEP OUT signs, was
it?... Her only hope is an ultimatum given to her by the judge to
prove that humans are worthy of staying on the Earth. Help of this,
comes in the form of the Pibbles, a particularly devilish race of 3
foot high malevolent creatures who invade Safe Space looking for Dexit
...And it just so happens that the only people who are able to save
the citizens of Safe Space from certain oblivion, are human...