Squatters Rights!


Billie Luggins is a young (ish), attractive (so she claims), witty (yet to be proven) and open-minded extra-terrestrial believer (UFO nut). She has joined every club, read every book, seen every film and bought every T-shirt. She is the chairwoman of the regional UFO society and regularly does her bit by ringing up her local village policeman, Sergeant Stubbs, (who she fondly refers to as 'arsehole') and reporting strange phenomena.

She also likes eating flakey chocolate in the bath with nothing on (her, not the bath) and her cute, white, fluffy kitten named Schwarzenegger. And she doesn't drink. (Yet.) Her dislikes include (amongst others) ducks, traffic wardens and uninvited guests.

Currently awaiting prosecution by one of the aforementioned guests, Billie stands firmly by her statement given to the press after the 'accident' that 'Double Glazing Salemen should be shot at birth, anyway' and has erected a sign at the gates of her farm stating that 'trespassers will be shot first and questioned later' to support this move.

Billie is not generally a bad tempered person. Her relationship with Sergeant Ted 'Indy' Potts however, does bring out the worst in her. It's not that she doesn't like the man, it's just that he has this nasty habit of dropping her in it just because he means well. This has led to many confrontations between the two, with Billie usually getting the upper hand.

Sergeant Ted Potts, is an RAF radar officer and part time schitzophrenic. He likes to keep this a secret but the simple fact that he prefers to be known as 'Indy' or, depending how the mood takes him, Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, sort of gives him away. He is only involved in the up and coming mess, simply because he tried to lasso a moving UFO and promptly got himself abducted - which, in all honesty, was a rather silly thing to do. The abductor in question, is the UFO's computer, called Shipp.

SHIPP stands for Super Hypergalactic Interdimensional Psuedo Personality (or, if you listened to Zork, Space -fareing Hell Involving Psychotic Persona). Shipp's likes include spatial relocation when no-one is ready, picking up colouful human metaphors - and Pink Floyd. Shipp has monitored Earth's radio waves for decades, in his millenial existance he has heard all sorts of sounds, from the patient beep- beep-beep of distant pulsars, to the deafening white noise which erupts from Jupiter. Millions of songs from sentient life forms across the cosmos are stored in his data banks. And out of all those myriad different sounds that he has recorded, analysed and stored, only one gets his foot tapping - metaphorically speaking, of course - he has the intellect the size of an entire star system and in his considered opinion... Pink Floyd are really cool.

Shipp's dislikes include crash-landing on cannibalistic planets, plummetting out of control through dimly lit wormholes and Sergeant Potts' impersonation of Captain Kirk - but never mind, 'he meant well...' Unlike Torg and Zork (his constantly-bickering crew), Shipp finds the human race very amusing. This is because they are not only the most dangerous race in the entire universe as he knows it, but are also the most stupid - why else would an entire race possibly believe they once descended from hairy, undomesticated, flea-ridden, monkies?

Zork, is a green, 3ft 2 inch alien from Bootes and is fed up with having to explain to humans that Bootes is a constellation and not a chemists. And he doesn't think much of the English weather, either.

He is very wary of humans. The terrifying tales which float back to the Safe Space bar (Bobo's Byte & Blitzed - known to the locals as The B&B) of what happens to aliens who get caught, are lodged firmly in his mind - or at least, where his mind ought to be. With all he has seen and heard of humans, he doesn't think they're a very friendly bunch and firmly believes that the creation of Mankind was a major cock-up that no-one's owned up to yet. And rightly so. For who would be so stupid as to raise their hands to that one, eh?

Zork has been sent to the Earth along with his colleague in crime, Torg, who is also a green, 3ft 2 inch alien, although more sensible (boring). Their seemingly simple task is to hand over an eviction order for every single human on the planet's surface to the nearest one they can find and flee. However, it all goes terribly wrong when they stumble upon Billie Luggins...

All Billie asks out of life is to see a UFO for herself and to be the first to provide solid evidence that they exist. When a UFO actually parks in her back field - complete with two, small, bickering aliens - she is over the moon. But when Zork tells her that the human race are trespassing on an intergalactic zoo for endangered species and that she has been chosen to serve Mankind with the eviction order, Billie is not impressed. It isn't exactly the sort of evidence she had in mind.

Naturally wanting proof of all this (and to disperse the terrifying thought that Jeremy Beadle might be hiding in her barn) Billie heads for the stars with Torg and Zork - and, eventually, Flight Sergeant Ted 'Indy' Potts - to search for the Watwazzat's, the elusive species who supposedly created Mankind.

While Torg and Zork are away attending business, Potts' decides to play at being a well known starship captain. The ship plummetts out of control through a dimly-lit wormhole and crashes on an unknown planet in another dimension. Fortunately for him - or not, as it turns out - it just happens to be the planet of Phkarwee, the home of the Watwazzat's.

After a close shave with some bungee jumping cannibal warriors and various other horrors, Billie is forced to accept the truth - the human race was indeed a cock-up.

Despite Billie's protests, Torg goes ahead with stage two of their task - to ask the chief of the Watwazzat Tribe, Pt'roleum, to take the humans back before they nuke themselves and the planet into oblivion, taking their endangered species with them. Luckily for the human race, Pt'roleum is so shocked and horrified at the suggestion that he stubbornly refuses and promptly runs away, only to meet with an unfortunate end.

Things get ultimately worse when, needing to leave the planet in a hurry, Shipp informs Torg and Zork that he's run out of fuel for the ride home and needs a jump start. Stuck and desparate (and to hell with the consequences) the aliens jump start the ship with the aid of a battered, flourescent green spaceship with pink 'go faster' stripes down the side which they had pinched earlier. With Billie and Potts in tow, Torg and Zork return home to Safe Space to inform Dexit D'fejoozabt (their boss and owner of the Earth) of the Watwazzat's refusal. Humans aren't allowed in Safe Space and so Billie and Potts are told to stay in the ship and keep out of sight - if they are found, the aliens immortality could be seriously shortened.

While docked at the spaceport, Billie and Potts are, of course, found by security. They are taken to the Commissioner of Defence, Clwyrm Throttit, who promptly throws them in a confinement room for his own safety. When Dexit hears about this, he is none too impressed, but spotting a chance to serve his eviction and to save his zoo (and his profits), he subsequently arranges the trial at the Intergalactic High Court of Safe Space, with Billie standing in the docks on behalf of Mankind.

Determined not to be beaten, Billie undertakes the awkward, not to mention bizzare task of trying to convince a misanthropic otter - who unfortunately happens to be the judge - that humans are in fact worthy of staying on the Earth - despite what they might have done to it. After all, it wasn't their fault they were dumped on a solitary planet in the most desolate, murkiest regions of space after a genetic experiment went wrong, was it?

And besides, it wasn't as if they'd errected any KEEP OUT signs, was it?... Her only hope is an ultimatum given to her by the judge to prove that humans are worthy of staying on the Earth. Help of this, comes in the form of the Pibbles, a particularly devilish race of 3 foot high malevolent creatures who invade Safe Space looking for Dexit D'fejoozabt...

...And it just so happens that the only people who are able to save the citizens of Safe Space from certain oblivion, are human...

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Squatters Rights 2017